Not Happy in This Moment

I am not happy in this moment. My foot aches from a broken toe, I am tired, I am touched out, I want to bury my nose in a book in a hot bath that I can just refill with more hot water every time it grows cold.

Instead I lay here nursing you because you both want to sleep and you resist it because you are excited about your gramma and grampa being back and you can hear your brothers playing in the other room.

When I become aware of how my mind is in all those other places that I want to be and all those other things that I want to do, I can feel the tension running through my body.

In those moments, rather than holding onto the wishes for the things that I want to be doing..

I look at you. I touch your perfect little ear and remember how squishy it was when you were a newborn. I run my finger over your face and feel the strong little muscles working to nurse. I breathe deep and let it out and feel my body relax against yours. I lay my head down and nuzzle your forehead and sniff the sweaty smell of your hair and kiss you.

And you stop resisting, your nursing slows and you fall asleep.

I cannot even begin to remember how many times your resistance has faded rapidly as soon as mine has.

I cannot even begin to count the times that you have simply needed for me to relax into the moment before you could.

7 thoughts on “Not Happy in This Moment

  1. I hear you on this one! The desire for a bath, the coziness of nursing to sleep and the connection between our energy and our little ones’. I hope you have a great sleep and thank you for writing such truths!!!!

  2. Thank you for reminding me that though I may be frustrated by the night nursing, this time is fleeting, and all too soon I shall miss it terribly. I will remember to revel in the soft warmth of my daughter’s fuzzy head and the gentle touch of her small hand on my breast as she looks up at me to check and see that I am still in fact there.

  3. I find that this happens with my little boy too. If I’m worrying about something he’ll often pick up on it before I even realise I was worrying! I just look at his little face, take a deep breath and relax…works every time to relax him too. Sometimes I feel guilty that my thoughts are elsewhere when I’m nursing him…at 8 months now his daytime nursings are becoming fewer…he’ll ramp it back up at night though, as he’s teething and has nothing to distract him from the pain…

  4. Sarah,

    Again you have touched the right spot.. Tis is just what I experience every time I am frustrated that I can not help him sleep, if I just relax… Then he lets go.. and I cry soft tears while breastfeeding him, now less than before because I get a runny nose and it is not pretty :-)

    So happy for you that you are able to find joy in your kids in so many ways and so happy for us that you share them with us..

  5. “I cannot even begin to remember how many times your resistance has faded rapidly as soon as mine has.

    I cannot even begin to count the times that you have simply needed for me to relax into the moment before you could.”

    THIS!

  6. So glad I found this site. I have been having lots of bluesy days and reading these blogs/letters have tremendously helped me to see I’m not the only one that goes through similar things and issues. So thank you!

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