Monthly Archives: November 2012

Words Spoken in Anger

Dear Isaac,

It is my hope that as you grow you will always remember three words that I have started to speak to you in anger.

“I love you.”

These three words have become the first three that I try to say when I am angry with you. They are true, even when you have done something that upsets me very deeply. And they are a reminder to me to make what I say come from love and not from all of the other places of frustration or annoyance or upset.

I breathe deep and think the words, then I say them and feel that love rush through my body with as much strength as it does when you have done something that makes me proud.

These words help me step back from the situation that my mind has zoomed in on in painful detail. They let me see how completely tiny the spilled toys, the broken figurine, the sibling spat, the not listening, or the jumping on the couch.. How really tiny those things are in comparison of the overwhelming fact that I love you in a deep and fierce way that bubbles down into the core of my being.

This morning was a difficult one for all of us as we returned to being me, you, Alexander, Anne-Marie, and Grandma from the weekend of Me, Alex, Alexander, Anne-Marie, Grandma and Grandpa with you off for the weekend at visitation. Every one of you wanted something other than what was. None of you felt much like sharing. I struggle too, as we move from our weekend form into the Mondays, especially after last week’s blackout which left me rather burned out.

I wanted to say “STOP. STOP! What is wrong with both of you? Why aren’t you sharing like you usually do? STOP!”

Instead I hugged each of you, and turned to you, Isaac.

I looked at your beautiful Atlantic-Ocean blue eyes and at the Batman buzz-cut you asked us for. I looked at you like the human being that you are, and I was able to see the defensiveness, the upset, the need to cling to the toy that you would probably otherwise not even want to play with. Instead of annoyance with your inability to share, I was overwhelmed with empathy for what it was that you must be feeling that made you need to hold on so tight.

“Do you know how much I love you? I’m so very proud of how hard you try and how imaginative you are, and how strong your heart is. I love you always, no matter what. Isaac, I’m upset with you right now. Do you understand why I am upset? I’m upset because you’re not sharing the toys with your brother the way you usually do. I love Alexander, too. And I love Anne-Marie. and I love you. And when one of you is sad because the other one isn’t sharing, I get upset. I know how much you love your brother and I know how good you are at sharing, and so when you feel like you can’t share I wonder what it is that’s bothering you. If you feel like you can’t take turns with this toy right now I understand, but maybe we can find a different toy that your brother can play with until you’re ready?” Then I hugged your brother too and told him that I loved him lots and I helped him look for something else to play with.

A little while later Alexander was upset from a typical two-tantrum over something not working exactly how he wanted it to, and you came over and said “Alexander can have my turn now. I know he’s upset, and if he needs my turn to feel better he can have it.”

I am so very proud of you, Isaac, You are a dear sweet soul, and when we remember this about you and give you that space that you need, you remember it too. ♥

I want you to remember that even when I am upset with you, that I love you. I know that that is when you need to hear it the most, and I want to make sure that those words are always there and full of the deepness of their meaning.

I love you. Even when I am angry.

I love you permanently.

I love you.
<3 Mama