A Poppy Seed of Promise. (Bebe 4.0)

Obviously not the test with lines. 😉 The third “Am I really pregnant?” test that I took before this morning’s announcement.

Two pink lines.
My hands start to shake.
I show Alex.
He’s the one that suggested that it might be time to test.
He always seems to know.

Right now I’m about four weeks along. Those two lines mean that there is a small life growing inside of me. A life that is currently the size of a poppy seed. This morning Alex got me another test. Some fancy schmancy one that estimates the date of ovulation based on HCG levels. So 2-3 weeks since ovulation puts me right at 4-5 weeks pregnant using the LMP/40 weeks approach.

It is early.

I’m not supposed to tell anyone. I’m supposed to tell only Alex, and then spend the next eleven weeks keeping my joys, hopes, fears, and thoughts to myself. Just in case. Because it’s not a guarantee yet. Because grief may follow instead of a baby. Because we’re only supposed to celebrate when things are a bit more of a “guarantee”.

I’ve turned that idea over and over in my head, time and time again.

For me, the act of not sharing would not decrease any future sadness.
For me, the act of not sharing would not save me from grief.
I’d probably still tell everyone if this pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, if it’s chemical, if it’s ectopic. If any of those many things that can go wrong… goes wrong. Because I’ve seen women suffer in silence. And because when I had a loss before, I shared and ended up having so many conversations with women who had kept so  much inside. Because they “had” to. Because not listening and putting on a happy face is some sort of social grace.

I’m telling you. Because I believe that women deserve to yell it out from the treetops if they want to. Because I believe that miscarriage is such a social taboo that people feel they have to keep pregnancies secret. Just in case. And because I don’t believe that is a healthy habit.

I am pregnant. I am expecting a baby next year at the end of March or the beginning of April sometime. This is a happy thing.

It is also a complicated thing. This was not planned. We were talking about starting to try for a baby in January if things lined up. Needless to say, a lot of things are not lined up.

I’m also grieving heavily over some recent things that have shaken how I view friendship and family and myself. So this post is not as joyful as the first moments when I found out that I was pregnant.

That is okay, too. Life is complicated.

There is joy. A small poppy-seed sized joy that is going to slowly grow until it is overwhelming and beautiful.

Growth takes time.

I am okay with that.

22 thoughts on “A Poppy Seed of Promise. (Bebe 4.0)

  1. Thank you for sharing. When we told people of Dude’s eminent arrival, we decided those who love us will love us in joy or in grief. It’s a big thing to poder either way. Sending love.

  2. So very true. All keeping it a secret does is prevent you from being able to share this joy and excitement that you feel right now. And if one of those things that can happen does happen, you will have more support through your grief because you shared. Sending a million positive and happy thoughts your way and for your little poppy seed. Thanks, as always, for sharing :-)

  3. This was beautifully written, thanks for sharing. I actually got a positive pregnancy test this morning too, so we have a little poppy seed of our own, due at the exact same time. I look forward to journeying with you through your posts.

  4. So wonderfully written I had to read it again and cry a bit more too. Don’t know you but very many congratulations and I couldn’t agree more. Life is the journey x

  5. No matter how complicated things are or will be I am so happy for you.. All of you.. And I am excited for you and so glad you explained your thoughts about sharing early, this makes me look at it in a different way than I am used to and that is how you have touched me for the last 3 years that I have known you.. Blessings to you all..

  6. Dear Sarah, I am on your journey too, almost to the day with my poppy seed.. At the weekend we got our test 2-3 wks also, for us this is baby 2 but I, like you have had some difficult realities to face of late. Thank you for sharing this. I feel all the the things you mention but you’ve made me think twice about hiding things for next 3 months. I look forward to sharing with you this adventure and send lots of positive wishes and love for your next healthy child x

    1. <3 Congratulations to you and your poppy seed. I hope that joy ultimately makes all the difficult realities of life a bit more easy to face.

  7. Congratulations to you and your lovely expanding family. Whatever happens, this is a time to cherish. Big hugs! xx

  8. Congratulations! Life has given you a seed of joy to nurture (and be nurtured by) through a tough time. I hope the journey, wherever it may lead, is good. Thank you for sharing xx

  9. Congrats. You’re a great mom, so this little poppy seed is a lucky one. One to grow up in a place where it’s okay to feel, REAL feelings. Enjoy every moment!

  10. Congratulations! I am glad you have people to share with and support you however things go – but I pray that your poppy seed will grow into a beautiful flower. :-)

  11. Congratulations. Experiencing multiple pregnancy losses and then having a beautiful baby girl have given me the same outlook. Thank you for sharing.

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