Dear Daughter,

I have started to realize a theme in my writings to you. I write a lot about the guilt of overcoming what I am told by pop-culture parenting and “the old way”, and doing what I feel is right.

It’s an interesting thing, this feeling guilt over following what my instincts say is the right thing to do.

There is a lot written on the topic of overcoming the guilt that some moms feel with formula feeding. There is not much written on overcoming the guilt that moms feel while breastfeeding. There is a lot written on the topic of overcoming the guilt of sitting outside your baby’s door while your baby cries it out for the first time. There is not much written about the guilt that we feel when we respond to our baby’s cries. There’s a lot written about letting dad bottle feed so that he can bond, and not much written about the feelings of guilt that come from exclusive breastfeeding. Not that there are clear cut “right and wrong” things here. But there is often guilt no matter what we do.

Listening to our instincts sometimes feels like “what we want to do”, it feels right and it feels good. And we’ve somehow come to associate doing what feels “good” with the selfish decision. We attempt to control our diet by making sure that we don’t eat that donut that we crave. We attempt to control our finances by making sure that we don’t buy that sparkly new flat screen TV or another pair of shoes that we want but don’t really need.

That culture oozes over to parenting. We are told that if we don’t allow our babies to cry, they don’t learn to self soothe. We are told that if we allow our babies to comfort nurse they will learn to comfort eat. We are told that if we reward our children’s tantrums with empathy we are teaching them to manipulate us. We are told dad won’t bond without a bottle. We are told that carrying or babies spoils them and ruins their chance at independence. We are told that offering comfort in the darkness of the night robs our children of the ability to ever sleep soundly. We are told that if we do not assert our dominance that our children will dominate us.

We largely still live in a culture that says if we spare the rod we spoil the child, but that at the same time looks down on corporal punishment and that is advancing towards making it illegal. Popular culture leaves us with few tools and many of the warnings about “indulgent parenting” come true.

We are not boxed in by the limitations of what has come before. We have many tools at our disposal. Intuition, empathy and instinct are the most powerful tools that we have as human beings and as parents. We have language. We have example.

As an adult, if you are afraid you do not find comfort by being alone. You seek out the company of others. This is as it is now as an infant and as a child. I do not expect you to learn something that adults still struggle with. You will learn to internalize the voice of comfort over time as I speak comforting things to you now.

Were you older and you were to ask for broccoli or a salad when you were upset I would not freak out that you are “comfort eating”. It is when you are a toddler and you ask for ice cream that I should worry about such things, not when you are an infant and taking comfort in eating healthy things. I do not see the problem with eating healthy nutritious food when you are upset, as it gives you the energy needed to deal with the upset.

Exclusive breastfeeding, too, is fraught with guilt. When you are going through a growth spurt I feel badly because you are hungry. There is a difference between hunger and starvation. Hunger is the drive to eat. You do eat. Starvation is the withholding of food as the body burns itself for energy. Breastfeeding through a growth spurt is not starvation, as you get everything that you need while working for more. Feeding you on my colostrum while waiting for my milk to come in is not starvation, it is meeting your needs with healthy food rather than filling you up with things your body cannot make full use of.

When you tantrum as a toddler, I can offer you the words and the calm to help you pull yourself back together as  your brain develops enough to keep those stormy emotions under check. As an adult I understand that stuffing the things you feel deep down inside without understanding them has never been a solution for me. I do not expect it to magically become one for you.

I try to use guilt as a reminder to look at how I am parenting and to think about what lessons I want you to learn and how I hope to teach them. I try to ask myself how I learn best, and if I feel guilt because I am going with my instinct or with my desire.

Do not allow guilt to lurk in the corners of your mind while you parent your own children someday. Confront it head on. Ask yourself “Why does this make me feel guilty?” Think about your reasons. Think about other ways you can go about doing things and get the same necessary results without the guilt.

Own your choices, think them out for yourself, and parent guilt-free and with love.

Understand that there is a difference between indulgence and compassion.

❤ Mama