Dear Friends,

I chose at a very young age to hide in the bathroom to cry. I’d sit on a toilet with my knees hugged up to my chest to hide my face even though I was behind a locked door. I’d sob. I did not like to show my tears or my vulnerability because I was learning that many adults react to sadness and need as negatively as they respond to anger and defiance. I was not able to understand when it was okay to feel sad and when my sadness would be seen as manipulation. So I hid alone with tears and guilt.

I hid everything that hurt. I washed and bandaged my own cuts even if there was an adult that was there to help me. I tried to not talk about the sad things. I tried to not talk about the upsetting things.

This was a reaction to seeking help one time and being met with such a strong negative reaction that I became afraid of having need.

Yesterday I made myself vulnerable to each of you with a request for help. I expressed a need. I showed a weakness. I paused for a long time after I wrote the request for help.. I debated deleting it. I went back and I edited it and tried to make it more clear.

I just needed to hear something good about myself before I went into a place where I often end up having to hear so many negative things. Some partial truths and some ridiculous fictions.

I was scared and sad and headed into a place where I was not allowed to be either.

Yesterday I broke a habit almost as many years old as I am.

I did what I would tell many of you to do. I listened to myself the way I’d want each of you to listen to me when I tell you that it’s OKAY to be having a hard time. It’s OKAY to need a hug. It’s OKAY to be sad. To be scared. To be vulnerable. To need to know that there are people that see the good in you. It’s OKAY to question yourself when you are in a toxic environment. And it’s OKAY to need to refill yourself when you have been depleted.

So I asked for help.

And then instead of the negative or empty reaction that I feared and half expected (vulnerability is such a funny thing).. I got such an outpouring of support and love.

Each and every message that I received was a shoulder to lean on. Each of you made me smile. Laugh. Hold back tears of relief. I was shocked by the deluge of support that was there for me. Writing this now has me shaky and in tears of gratitude.

I keep trying to think of eloquent words to thank each of the people that responded to my call for help. I can’t.

I am in a situation that I do not want to be in. A situation that has the potential for consequences that hurt more than I care to imagine. I am in a situation where I am constantly fearful for my family and for myself. I am in a situation I cannot speak openly about as that too would have many consequences too big to bear.

Yesterday.. For the first time in years I was not afraid. Each of you was there with me providing you with your support.

It doesn’t get any easier from here on out. But the messages that each of you sent are something that will stay with me. Both as a feeling and in a tangible form as I print them out and glue them to colorful index cards to keep in a box by my bed to page through when I need to remember that I cannot be defined by a single angry person from my past.

I have many difficult choices ahead of me, and many things that I fear.

But I also have so many things of joy. I count them when I am feeling sad or scared. I feel my breathing slow and my body relax. I feel myself re-fill with the blessings that my life has for me.

And I count each of you among those blessings.

Thank you. Truly. Deeply. From the bottom of my heart. You will never know how deeply even the simplest message impacted me yesterday.

Thank you. So very.. VERY much.

❤ Sarah