One of the things that pulled me out of the mommy wars was all of the stories. This week I’m sharing the stories of other moms that have touched me through their experiences. If you have an experience you would like to share, please email me at sarah@momtomommedia.com and I’ll publish it here this week. (All names will be changed to initials to keep them anonymous.)

My story from 2010: 

July heat. On a train. Rush hour into New York City. A newborn in a sling. A preschooler holding my hand. No seats. People staring right through us. I pull off my backpack and place it on the floor next to me and squat with my back against the wall. My preschooler sits on my leg and I balance us all to the sway of the train.

Why am I on a train with a two week old baby in the grotesque heat? Why am I dragging my preschooler on a train into New York City during rush hour? Why not one hour later when rush hour passed? Why am I clogging the stairs? Taking up room in the elevator? Why is my baby crying? Why am I changing a diaper squatting on the floor near the stairs in the subway?

Why am I subjecting my children to this? BAD MOM. BAD BAD MOM.

Balancing on a bus. Three week old baby in a sling. No seats. No one offers. An older woman peeks at my baby. “I was never brave enough to take a baby out like that when they were that young.”

Oh but neither am I.

I have no choice.

I’m not here because I want to be.

I’m here because a court order says that I have to have my older child at a certain place at a certain time. Because the court order doesn’t say that someone else has to do this during my recovery time. I don’t WANT to risk hemmorhage. I don’t WANT to drag my kids out in the heat. I don’t WANT to be on this bus, this train, this subway, this street right now in rush hour. I don’t want to be here.

I am here because if I was not here I would lose my child. I have been told that I have to do this. I have no one else in my life to do this for me. I do not have a driver’s license. I am picking the options that will get me there on time, that let my children get the most sleep. That will allow me to travel with the least amount of stuff. That will let me climb the stairs when the elevator is out. That will let me get there as fast as I can so that no one can say that I was late.

I do this every week because I have no other choice. I was given no choice. It is be strong or lose my child.

So I do it with a smile. I dance in the subways and I make up funny rhymes. I tell my children stories. I nurse on the go. I become stronger. Not because I WANT.. But because I have no other choice.

I know you don’t understand that. So when you roll your eyes when my baby cries.. I don’t judge you. When you sit all comfortable and snug in your seat smug with the satisfaction of knowing that if I really wanted to I could just take a later train with more seats.. I don’t get upset.

I’d feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes.

I just really wish that more of you would smile instead of looking at me as though this is something that I chose. It’s hard enough to do this without being judged.

The one thing I’m profoundly grateful for is that this experience taught me that I cannot know the circumstances surrounding another parents “choices” when I’m just witnessing a moment of two of their lives or hearing a tiny story.