One of the things that helps me when I am reacting negatively to my child’s actions is to remind myself that whatever I am thinking I am ultimately “mind blind”.

I cannot truly see inside my child’s head. The thoughts that I hear are my own guesses about what my child may be thinking, not what my child is actually thinking.

The thoughts that are upsetting me are my own thoughts about what my child’s actions mean, not my child’s thoughts.

Our society attributes all sorts of malice and manipulation to very normal childhood behaviors such as not making eye contact with an upset adult, laughing when uncomfortable, avoidance, etc.

When we react to our own internal picture of what our child is thinking or doing, we often make their behavior worse. For example if a child is avoiding eye contact because they are afraid of an angry adult and the adult thinks that they are not paying attention and becomes more angry.

My seven year old tries to crack jokes when I’m upset because he wants to make me feel better and jokes are what makes him feel better when he is upset. This is also what adults do with him when he is angry or upset.

Instead of becoming more upset I remember that he has told me in the past that he makes jokes to try and make me feel better. So I will say “I know you are trying to make me feel better. Thank you. Jokes are not making me feel better right now. I need right now is for you to show me that you understood what I asked you, or to say ‘mommy, can you repeat that? I didn’t understand.’”