The Daily Onion shared a satirical (fake) study showing a link between breastfeeding and always knowing what is right for everyone. It required a response, so we did some research for Nurshable readers.

Apparently shortly after the original study was shared with the world another study was conducted by an opposing faction of researchers at John Hopkins University. A cranky lactating researcher granted an interview. “It’s not that breastfeeding mothers know what is right for everyone.” she explained. “It’s that breastfeeding mothers are exposed to so much misinformation that their brains reach a catastrophic overload and they simply cannot take it anymore. When you hear too many times that someone’s boyfriend drank all the breastmilk before the baby was born… Your brain breaks. And when you hear things that are similarly impossible being repeated by pediatricians you start asking how this is even possible. Then you come to the epiphany that pediatricians are doctors. They’re not lactation consultants. Most pediatricians don’t even know how breastfeeding works!”

She went on to explain that breastfeeding mothers retain the ability to listen to accurate information.

“The study done by our colleagues made the amateur mistake. Correlation is not causation.”

When asked what that means she explained rather clearly that the latest study on the topic shows that mothers exposed to less misinformation and sabotage not only went on to breastfeed for a longer period of time, they also remained more open to the opinions of others and more trusting of medical professionals.

“This CLEARLY shows that while breastfeeding mothers are less open to new information, they still retain the ability to listen to new ACCURATE information.  They have only developed immunity to information that is incorrect and that flies in the face of logic, science, best practices and the knowledge of how lactation works. This is a GOOD thing!”

Sadly the interview had to be cut short as the researcher needed to go back to pumping. “The human breast won’t spontaneously dry up.” she explained apologetically as she unpacked her double breast pump. “That’s just another myth. But human milk contains a protein called Feedback Inhibitor of Lactation which will decrease supply slowly over time if mom doesn’t remove milk from her breast as frequently as she can. When I am unavoidably apart from my baby I pump every two to three hours to maintain my supply so that I can continue breastfeeding. When I first started I was given horrible information about this. But lactation provided me with the immunity necessary to discard the falsehoods, do my own research, and succeed at my goals.”

As I was ushered out the door she whispered one final secret: “IBCLCs? They really know their stuff. If you ever have a problem with breastfeeding, they’re the ones that can help you.”