Dear Daughter,

I am probably going to write quite a bit to you about self acceptance and love. It is something that I struggle with, and something that I hope to be able to pass to you as a gift.

Upbringings overlap like shingles. Part of my mother’s upbringing passed on to me, as much as she wished to give me all the gifts of being free of the things that caused her pain. She gave me many many gifts including unconditional love and a freedom of the expectations of her parents that weighed heavily on her throughout life. Part of my father’s upbringing passed on to me, even as he freed me from his own abusive past by never raising a hand to me.

The only gift that my childhood lacked was the ability to witness a parent who had love for themselves. Who treated their own self as gently as they were able to treat me.

I understand their reasons for this. I understand the gift that they hoped to give me by putting me above themselves, how they hoped to launch me into a better life than they thought they were able to achieve. They could not love themselves because they were not shown the depth of love as a child that I was. They did not know that they did not need to say “I am not as awesome as you are”, and that simply saying “You are awesome” was enough. There does not need to be any negative in a compliment. It can stand on its own.

I can admire you without the words “I wish I could be that good.”

I understood that I was loved as I grew up, but did not understand how to love myself. It’s an odd thing, how this can come to be.

They gave me the gift of loving others. And so I love you. They gave me the gift of loving me, and so I am able to overcome their own dislike for themselves, and I am able to learn to love me, so that I can try and give you the gift of growing up loving yourself.

It feels strange to say “I love myself”. It feels icky, indulgent. I’m supposed to be humble, to downplay my positives, to know my place in life and to say “Well sure I might be x but I’m also y and that balances me down to reality.”

Fuck that shit.

Sorry for swearing. There’s a saying that swears mean you have no better way to express yourself. Here I think they say it rather eloquently.

Fuck that shit.

You are who you are, you do not need to know your place in some hierarchy that you seemingly have no say in. You do not need to down-play the awesome or up-play the struggles.You do not have to apologize for who you are in order to point out the awesome of someone else, and you do not need to point out the awesome of yourself to downplay something that someone else has achieved.

Life is yours to seize, to juggle, to enjoy, to play with, to sculpt, to color, to form the way you wish. You do not need to be be better, to be worse, to be different, or to be anyone other than who you wish to be.

Daughter, I can’t build you up if I tear myself or others down. Your beauty exists independent of comparison. No more, no less. Your intelligence exists independent of comparison. No more, no less. Your abilities exist independent of comparison. You are not another person. You are yourself.

And that is what you need to be.

❤ Mama