Dear Oldest,

You are five and a half. You’ve discovered by now that adults are sometimes fickle things. One moment laughing and enjoying that thing that you’re doing, and the next moment annoyed.

We need to be more patient with you when we do these changes of direction. I can see this.

You’re at that place in your life when people start to expect you to understand more subtle things. And yet you see your little brother and sister still doing those things that you used to do while we laughed the way we laugh for them now. Yet, when you do those things to try to get some of that same laughter, more often than not we get angry.

It’s not because we love them better. It’s because we have different expectations of them. They’re much closer to their babyhood. You’re so independent, so smart, so verbal, so expressive, so descriptive, so… Everything.. that sometimes we forget how close you still are to your own babyhood compared to us.

We have learned that when we say “no” and a person doesn’t listen, it’s because that person doesn’t CARE and is being SELFISH. In reality, you do care. I see it very clearly in your eyes and on your face. You care deeply. You care so deeply that you feel it hard to let it go. You just keep trying that thing again and again because you want that same approval that you had a moment ago or a month ago when you were smaller and we were more patient.

We’re essentially speeding along and then deciding “Okay, other way now!” and spinning around in our adult-like way, expecting you to simply follow. We do not respect the momentum that you have as you are careening down that path. We do not recognize that when we ask you to stop suddenly, it is likely embarrassing and you probably feel that the safest thing to do is keep on doing it because..

JUST LIKE US, you don’t like being wrong. Just like us, you can be embarrassed. Just like us it can sometimes feel safer to be seen as intentionally being mean rather than having made a social mistake by trying to do something nice that turned out to not be so nice after all.

We need to help you walk away from the situation, to slow down without hitting a brick wall of anger or scorn. To listen. To understand that line we’re asking you not to cross. To acknowledge what it was that you were trying to do. To thank you for your good intentions, even if the outcome was not what you wanted. To reassure you that it’s okay. We’re safe people for you to learn with, and it’s okay to make mistakes with us because family loves you forever even if you’re not always perfect.

(God knows we’re imperfect.)

I’m so sorry for the times that you are asked to be something more than our example. For the times you are asked to say “please” and “thank you” when we barely nod in acknowledgement of something that you have done for us or when you do something that we have asked.

We need to remember that we are not perfect and that we do not have the requirement to teach you to be perfect in our stead. Our requirement is to teach you the expectations in a safe and loving way, teach you how to hit that brake without spinning out of control, and teach you how to be better than us without making you feel as though you are less than us.

When I ask you to stop doing something that you are doing, I will try to see your intentions. If I can see your intentions, I will try to acknowledge them. If I cannot see what your intentions are, I will ask you what they are and I will try to respect your answer.

You’re five. You have a lot of time ahead of you to learn how to be all of those things that you need to be.

We can be more patient.

We can do that thing we’re asking you to do, and recognize the outcome of our actions and not just our intentions. We can watch the emotions that play across your face, and understand what it is that you are feeling, just as we ask you to understand what it is that we are feeling or your brother is feeling.

We can be a better example.

❤ Mama