Dear AP Community,

I have to admit that sometimes when I see other Attachment Parents in the forums or on Facebook, the thought that pops into my head is “You wouldn’t talk to your three year old that way, why in the WORLD are you speaking to another adult like that?”

I think that it’s time we all start asking ourselves this question.

There is a difference between speaking about how we feel studies apply to our lives and our children and how studies influence our behavior, and crying out “child abuse”.

I could say this:

“Letting your child cry it out is neglect and child abuse and has shown to be harmful.”

Or I could say this:

“Cry It Out feels too much like neglect for me and I feel that it harms my relationship with my child. When she cries she’s trying to communicate a need to me, and I’m fine with holding her if that is what she needs. I’ve used Wait It Out with my older two children very successfully and it is a gentle joyful tear-free method that speaks to my heart and that works with our instincts instead of against them.”

In one way I’m trying to use shame on another parent, and in one way I’m talking about my experiences in a non-threatening way that more accurately represents what I think and feel. “This is how I do things”. “This is what works for me”. “This is an option that exists out there that contains a lot of pleasant happy joyful feelings”. This is my example. If you find my experience compelling, I’m happy to talk about it, but there is diversity for a reason. Clearly you are not me. Clearly there is diversity in the genetic pool. Clearly your children are not my children. I am no more inside of your head than I am inside of the heads of my children. It’s ludicrous to pass judgement based on what I see.

A non AP parent is not “giving their kids a hard time”, they’re having a hard time. Attack doesn’t help them see more clearly any more than punitive parenting helps a child see more clearly.

If another parent’s heart hurts too, if another parent is struggling with the feeling that they are not parenting in a way that works, then they are looking for the things that do work and they will find meaning in your loving words. If another parent has already found their toolkit and have found peace and joy in their way of parenting.. Don’t step on their parenting any more than you would step on your child’s successes when their methods diverge from your own.

It’s hard sometimes to not use the firm statements and the judgmental words. We know the sting of these all too well as we are constantly being told that we “spoil” our children, that homeschooled kids “lack socialization”, that if we don’t use CIO our children will “never sleep” and “be miserable”. If we don’t vaccinate we’re attacked for that, if we vaccinate we’re attacked for that. If we sneeze on a Tuesday there’s someone there to tell us YOU ARE WRONG AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL SUFFER.

We, as everyone, absorb examples. But part of parenting the way we do is choosing the positive examples.

Bring a bit more of your attachment-parenting style into your conversations. Listen carefully, speak gently and with joy.

-Sarah