Dear Daughter,

Mellow, sweet daughter of mine who hardly ever cries, you are the calmest of all our children. From everything I have heard, you should be easy to train to sleep as you are not quick to cry and you are easy to soothe. You ask for little more than to be near, to be guarded, to be held close and warm. You are not colicky, you are not quick to temper, and you spend time happily in your bouncer seat watching me garden in the day or watching your brothers play. In theory it could be a quick few nights of letting you cry and then we could all sleep through the night.

Your mellowness should make it tempting. Each of your brothers was so assertive that I understood that Crying It Out would be fruitless. With you I suspect that it would be quick and “painless” to make you give up on being held.

I do not wish to squander your patience and grace on such things. Instead I will save it, as all parents need the patience of their children sometimes.

You are a tiny creature whose heart flutters along and whose chest rises and falls often in sync with mine. Powerless to seek warmth when cold or to kick your way out of a swaddle if you sweat at night. You cannot yet roll easily to find a comfortable position, and gas and burps easily wake you and make you squirm with discomfort.

I do not believe these night wakings are without meaning or without need or that they are a simple preference of yours when you vocalize them more than you vocalize your desire for a diaper change or your desire to nurse during the day, or your objections to your brothers being a little too rough in their displays of affection.

I do not believe that even if your only wish is “mama hold me” that it is something that needs to be denied.

Of course I’ll hold you, little girl. Just as I held you for nine months before you were born, I’ll hold you for as long as you need to be held and for whatever the reason.

There’s a saying “I’d walk through fire for you”. I would, you know, if I ever had to. And in the meantime I’ll walk through sleeplessness with you. I’ll dance with you in the dark of the night. I’ll rock with you in a quiet empty room as the sun starts to rise. I’ll snuggle down next to you when you’re restless, and I’ll pick you up every time you cry.

I can wait until you’re ready to sleep through the night, just as I waited for your brothers. I’ll parent you with love rather than parenting you in whatever way I can get away with. I can wait with you as I waited with them.

I’ll wait it out so that you can sleep when you’re ready, not simply when you give up.

❤ Mama