Six Months and Struggling

Dear Daughter,

This is where I fall flat. You are almost six months old and I am struggling. To this point my letters have mostly been encouraging and upbeat.I am writing to you now from an unhappy place, not to chastise you for your behavior as a baby, but to speak a necessary truth about a difficult time.

This is a growth spurt. It will pass. This does not make it any easier. And while I find resolve in this knowledge I do not find much happiness or joy. I can sniff your head and kiss you and hold you tight and smile at your smiles and do all those happy things, which work for moments at a time.

I am scraped empty, picked clean, and am maxing out my coping mechanisms.

I’m not “at the end of the line”. I’m not quitting. I clearly understand what is happening now as I pass through this.

A marathon runner does not feel the same five miles from the finish as she does at the start. A marathon runner does not feel the same five miles from the finish as she does with one mile left to go. I’m at the point where I’m a ways from the finish line so I don’t have that last burst of energy that takes me there. I’m at the point where I’ve run so far already that I’m struggling through each step and questioning whether I can do it, even though this is the third six-month growth spurt marathon that I have gone through.

It is not as hard as my first. It is not as easy as my second, who daddy could soothe. You need only me, will accept only me, and this comes with its own challenges.

With you, I want desperately to be upbeat, to be strong, to be able to do it all. But with you, I desperately need to hear “good job”, “I admire how well you’re coping.”, “thank you for what you are giving her”, “I love you”, “You’re doing great”. I need those cheery people at the sidelines with the big signs saying “YAY!”

I don’t need for anyone to fix it. I don’t need for someone to bottle feed you. While it would be nice if you were able to take a bottle once in a while, I understand that you can’t and that’s okay. While it would be nice if your father could rock you to sleep I don’t need that because I understand that it is not something that you’re able to do right now. This is your temperament. A very sweet mild child with very specific needs.

I need encouragement.

That is what is sadly lacking at six months. In the early days everyone is your cheerleader. Everyone tries. Everyone supports you. You haven’t burned out yet. Then you hit six months and people have decided that it’s throw-up-their-hands time and you’re in it alone. And when you’re struggling and they don’t know what to do, there’s a tendency to wander off and avoid you with happier things.

I’m writing this to you so that if you hit this place you know that you’re not alone. Other mothers go through this too. It’s not a problem with you. It’s your individual baby’s temperament. And it’s how people manage things that seem unfixable.

You are not a “bad” baby. You’re a growing baby, and this is what you need to grow right now.

If you need to know what will help you if you pass through this, it’s this: “If you can’t comfort the baby, comfort the mother as she comforts the baby.” That is what I need to keep on going, even though I’ll keep on going either way.

No one can run this marathon for us. But that doesn’t mean that we’re running alone. I just need to muster up the words “please run with me”. And I need to understand that they’re okay to say.

And I want for you, in your future, to know that it is not a weakness to have a need.

I will always run with you, just as I run with you now.

❤ Mama

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Categories: Letters to a Daughter

35 responses to “Six Months and Struggling”

Alix

October 2, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You are doing an amazing job. Even if she cannot say it, your baby thanks you. And I thank you. Your messages provide me with the encouragement I need to be a good parent to my babe and toddler. Keep up the good (hard) work!

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1. sarah
  
  October 2, 2012 at 6:13 pm
  
  Thank you! And I’m glad that you find encouragement in my messages, and grateful for the encouragement you offer in return.
  
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Kim @ The Bird’s Nest

October 2, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Oh Sarah, I feel you on this one. We just went through the six month spurt, and we continue to battle acid reflux each and every day. I’m often running on empty on many levels, and you’re right, nobody tells you how well you’re doing at this stage.

So let me tell you:
You are doing an amazing job. This is the THIRD six month growth spurt you’re experiencing as a mother and you’re still alive! And so is your daughter. In fact, you are doing so well that she needs only YOU (little consolation when you need a break, I know). This WILL pass. And you know what? If you need to be sad/frustrated or cry to vent those emotions and refill the tank a bit, it won’t harm your daughter one little bit (this is a concept I struggle with personally, being unable to stop myself from crying while my son cries at times, and feeling terrible guilty about it).

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1. sarah
  
  October 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm
  
  Oh Kim, Acid reflex is so hard to deal with. You must feel so badly for your little guy. I know you’ve probably heard it before, but have you had him evaluated for a tongue tie, and have you tried infant probiotics? They can help with some forms of reflux. You’re probably burned out on the advice that doesn’t work too, though, right? I feel you. It’s so hard to have a high needs baby or a baby with a health issue. My middle son had reflux (tongue tie) and he would poop/fart acid as well and we had to use a q-tip dipped in baby oil to clean his bum otherwise it would burrrrrrn and he would screeeeeeammmm and I remember struggling through his 6 month growth spurt as well.
  
  You’re doing amazing.
  
  I hope that the doctors are able to help you find some relief for your sweet little bean. Keep on seeking answers!
  
  Don’t feel guilty for crying, just keep on telling your baby that you love him and that you’re crying because it’s healthy to cry and get it all out when you feel big things.
  
  And thank you VERY much for the kind words.
  
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  1. Kim @ The Bird’s Nest
    
    October 3, 2012 at 9:37 am
    
    Thank you Sarah. We haven’t tried probiotics yet…perhaps I’ll go pick some up today. Also, he seems to nurse well so I never thought to get him checked for a tongue tie. I’ll definitely see if I can find a lactation consultant to help out.
    
    Hope you are doing well today, and get a chance to recharge a bit.
    
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  2. sarah
    
    October 3, 2012 at 9:43 am
    
    My middle son had the “best” latch from the beginning, and nursed very well and had TONS of wet diapers. He also had a tongue tie bad enough to give him reflux and to cause failure to thrive.
    
    I have learned that the tongue has to be able to do many things while breastfeeding. It has to curl, to apply pressure, to move forwards/backwards, flex, transfer the milk to the back of baby’s mouth, etc. all at the same time. So if there’s a tie that is interfering with any of the movements, it can cause all sorts of issues.
    
    Then when baby’s not nursing, a tie can cause baby to gag himself with his tongue because of how it pulls the tongue and prevents it from settling into a non-irritating position.
    
    Lots of stuff about tongue tie/reflux up on the interwebs: Google search for “tongue tie reflux”
    
    PROBABLY a dead-end because there are a ton of other causes for reflux, too. But can’t hurt to be aware of the possibility.
    
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Nancy

October 2, 2012 at 4:13 pm

You ARE doing great! And your insightful words are always there helping the rest of us too. Wise woman with a kind heart and generous spirit, I salute you 😉 xxx

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1. sarah
  
  October 2, 2012 at 6:01 pm
  
  Thank you, Nancy. 🙂
  
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Sasha

October 2, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Thank you for your honesty and insight. You are one inspiring mama. My baby is almost 2 weeks late and for a while there I was wondering how I would ever make it on almost no sleep and almost constant isolation (had to quit my physically demanding job at around 6 mos. + for weeks it was over 90 degrees outside and baby would kick every time i tried to lay down). I sunk into depression, couldn’t think straight, found myself thinking things I would never think on just a little more sleep (I’m sure you know what a 40 min nap can do for your sanity!), about inducing, regretting my pregnancy, even wanting to die. Every day I was amazed that I had made it one more day, even as I dreaded the day to come. I know you are strong and you won’t give up and even though my baby isn’t born yet, you are helping me to be a better mother. Thank you and keep it up! As difficult as it can be, I know you can do it. ❤

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1. sarah
  
  October 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm
  
  You’re doing an amazing job, too. It’s so hard to go past-due.
  
  I’m definitely not giving up. Just burned out and I want to throw a tantrum. I have two older children and one of them just started first grade and has a lot of homework that we’re keeping on top of. One of them is two years and two months and in the middle of the terrible two’s. We cloth diaper so I have neverendinglaundry. It’s like being told that you have to juggle when all you really want to do is throw all the balls at the next person who gives you a “to do” and run away like a two year old.
  
  You are going to give birth and you’ll be fine, it’s just on the baby’s timeline.
  
  Things are going to get easier for me and I’ll be fine. Just not on my timeline.
  
  There is a lot of stress, worry and pressure (and discomfort!) with going over-due. You have my admiration.
  
  (and my thanks for the support. hug)
  
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Anneka

October 2, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Keep up the amazing work that you’re doing for your daughter. She can’t at the moment, but one day she will thank you (maybe not until she’s going through the same with her child(ren)) but she will. I wish often that I was in contact with my mother so I could ask her if it was like this for her, what she’d do in a certain situation, etc…instead I have to rely on my aunt who’s never had children and my mother-in-law who bottle fed all four of her children and doesn’t agree with me breastfeeding my little boy (6.5 months now). If we have a wakeful night I’m told to give him formula, if he’s having a growth spurt I’m told to give him formula, if he’s unsettled for any reason I’m told to give him formula…I never have, and never will (except in extreme circumstance) give him formula! I’m very lucky to have a brilliantly supportive husband, else I’d be feeling very down at times. A smile from my son and words of encouragement from my husband are all I need right now, just as well as at times it feels as if they’re all I have…

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1. sarah
  
  October 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm
  
  Anneka, A supportive partner is SO important to one’s sanity. I’m blessed with one, myself.
  
  You’re doing an awesome job with breastfeeding especially considering that you’re learning it all on your own.
  
  Thank you for the words of encouragement.
  
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Marise

October 2, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Sometimes I think our society has it all wrong. My husband was born in Sri Lanka, and when I visit with our daughters I am AMAZED at the amount of support mothers get there from their mothers, aunts, sisters, etc. My father in law is particularly doting and would basically keep my younger daughter with him at all times unless she needed to nurse, at which point he would let me know. We are lucky to have my parents living in the sane city as us here in Canada, and they do help out a lot. My husband is also great with the kids, but I often end up feeling burnt out and essentially inadequate for not living up to my own expectations of myself. I really feel where you’re coming from and hope you will get the support you so badly need. Keep up the good work, your children are extremely blessed to have such a caring mother, and this gift will stay with them for life. XO

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Alison

October 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Dear Sarah,
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share with us. And though it won’t get you any more sleep tonight, know that your words are supporting and encouraging so many Moms who are pushing through hard days and nights with their own little ones. I wish that we as your audience could do for you, what you do for us. I also have a toddler and a six month old who is SO hungry right now and still learning how to sleep. So many of your posts ring true to my own experiences. You have survived the six month slump twice already and you are such a wonderful, patient and loving Mom. Your children and partner are so lucky to have you. And know that when you are hauling yourself out of bed for the fifth time tonight, I will also be up nursing my little one and sending you good thoughts. My fingers are crossed for lots of sleep in your house tonight and a better day tomorrow.

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Gail

October 2, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I’m right there with you – except I’m two month behind at the four month growth spurt (and add on a stuffy nose). I’m so tired, and I’m so tired of the amount of time it takes to settle my little one, and how quickly she wakes up again, needing to be settled all over again. Like you – it is only me who can settle my little one, only me that she seeks or gets comfort from. Its exhausting. And not only do I feel like I have nothing left to give her – I have nothing remaining to give to my four year old or my husband. But like you said – it is a marathon, and like you I know that “this to shall pass”. Not that I’m happy that you are struggling, but it is some re-assurance to know that I’m not going through this alone. I wish you strength, and hope you get some rest.

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Sarah

October 2, 2012 at 11:51 pm

I was in a similar place a year ago. Like you, I didn’t see any way for my daughter to get the comfort she needed other than in my arms. I was holding her for all of her naps and lying next to her nearly every moment she slept at night. I knew it was the right thing to do and that it would soon pass. But I still felt like I was losing my ever-loving mind from the intensity of it all.

I am fortunate to have the support of many wonderful friend as well as a wise mother. After a particularly tearful phone call to her, she sent me an email that included this:

“I have often said that childbirth offers us a window into what mothering will be like. Intense, painful, difficult, amazing, sweet, tender and it challenges us to go beyond our perceived limitations.”

I realized that I had run up against some perceived limitations when it came to mothering my baby last year (the humbling second child!). Even though I though I, too, felt scraped empty and picked clean, I was able to dig a little deeper and find a way to continue nurturing my daughter in the way I knew was best. I know you will do this as well, Sarah, just as you carried your baby inside of you, beautifully birthed her, nourish her at your breast, snuggle her in the dark of night. It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, and it is that very courage that will get you through this difficult time. I am one of many who love and support you. Thank you for offering me such comfort and strength with your words.

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Simone

October 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

I’ll run with you! My little guy is 11 months now. Looking back, 6 months was really hard! I thought it was just because we were settling into a new city, but now I see it was more than that. Thanks for your honesty and good luck! It’ll pass soon!!!!!

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Jac

October 3, 2012 at 1:24 am

Oh Sarah! I am a newbie to your blog. I have to tell you that this blog single handedly has put a voice to feelings that I have not had the time or energy to express nor the words to express so eloquently. I am transitioning my baby from co-sleeping to a crib and as I walk boldly into single motherhood, I too am in need of hearing words of encouragement. I found them here tonight in this post. Thank you for being courageous, honest and pure in heart. You are doing a brilliant job and I appreciate you.

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Gamze

October 3, 2012 at 1:13 pm

This topic has kind of scared me as I am approaching the six month growth spurt and I had no idea it could be so difficult. We have passed the previous growth spurts somehow fine I think or I am delirious from all the rocking to sleep 6 times a day 🙂 But at night he sleeps for 12 hours straight since week five and I BF through the night sometimes many times I do not count but it has saved my life, I can not imaine getting up do do what I do during the night and I admire anyone who can because five weeks of it nearly killed me…
Another important point is taking care of a toddler or two in your case Sarah while you are caring for your little one. Also I can not imagine the amount of strenght and determination it must take to do things the way you believe should be done. I am scared of having a second baby just because I am worried I couldn’t give each the necessary attention they would both deserve since I spend 90% of my time with my little boy now… Any thoughts on that is always appreciated..
Sarah, your blog is a godsend as it gives me hope and joy to read it every possible day.

Hugs…

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1. sarah
  
  October 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm
  
  Gamze, You may not experience a bad six month growth spurt. You may experience it at 9 months or one year, or you may not have another “bad” period at all. Our breaking points are all different as our lives and our babies are all different. The thing that remains the same is that we need to find emotional energy. For me, I needed to figure out how to communicate “I need” and I needed to be able to let go of the idea of doing it all on my own and ask for help and comfort in areas other than the feeding thing. I also needed to regroup and remind myself that it’s six months and this is what happens at six months with my children. Today I’m not struggling anymore. Today I feel like I have a bit of apologizing to do with the adults in my life, but I feel like I have the perspective necessary to be happier and to help juggle things around so that the other adults in our family are happier as well.
  
  Twelve hours straight is awesome! I’m jealous. 🙂
  
  Right now at this point the toddler is not the part that is making everything harder, it’s the five year old being in first grade. It’s me and my partner being a bit out of sync with what we need. First grade comes with significantly more homework and parental involvement, which I’m happy to do, but it’s changing the amount of stuff that I have to balance. The growth spurt coinciding with the start of first grade is a bit of cruel irony.. But we’re all finding our balance.
  
  The issue I keep bumping into is that I feel that I have to fix everything. But the most successful solutions come from everyone involved. This is true with my partner. This is true with my in-laws. This is true with me and my children, and this is true between my children and everyone else in their lives.
  
  Remembering this helps me regroup.
  
  And the readers who have left sweet and helpful comments have helped tremendously. As have people who have asked me questions and had discussions with me. Sometimes I can see things more clearly in the lives of others than I can in my own life. I think that applies to all of us.
  
  Don’t be afraid of having another child. It’s an adjustment. But the joy of seeing the children with each other is.. amazing. And you find ways to fit your style of parenting into your life. Or you grow through the compromises that you make.
  
  It’s not about being “perfect” with anything. It’s about finding balance in chaos, and finding pride and joy in that balance for you and for your children.
  
  When my second child was born it was hard. But I learned to babywear in a different way that allowed me to follow my older child around. I learned that building a relationship between the two of them was as important/more important than my relationship with each of them in some ways. I learned how to read books to both of them. I learned how to be an even more engaged parent and how to support each of them in being independent rather than being a “playmate” or a “do it all for them” parent. My first child learns so much through what he teaches his siblings. I learn so much through how he tries to be with his brother, as he tries to be for his brother what he needs me to be with him.
  
  It’s a “different” balance, not a lesser or greater one. It’s harder to juggle, but it’s awesome.
  
  What is right for your family in terms of the number of children you have is dependent on what you and your husband want. Awesome families come in all sizes. One child, two children, ten children.. It’s about how you seek balance and joy.
  
  -Sarah
  
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Jenna

October 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

thank you so much for this honest post. It is so true. You are a fantastic mother and doing an amazing job – those long days AND long nights. You are not alone. Thank you for making me feel not so alone.

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Gamze

October 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Sarah,

Thank you so much for such a lovely message again. What you said about seeing things clearly in the lives of others is so true, it is definitely happening for me especially with your blog.
I have been working on the perfection problem way before I had my boy but it has resurfaced after I gave birth as I became fanatical about how he should be cared for and I didn’t want anyone around him for weeks except for my husband, I was terribly jelous. Of course having waited for years to have him might have had something to do with that but I wish I was more relaxed to have more people get involved and appreciate as you suggest.. I am better at it but still can not leave him with anyone for more than a few hours, I miss him too much..
Thanks so much for the explanations on how you perceive having more than one child, you have explained it so beautifully again.. I know what you say makes sense and it is also how I would like things to be but I am so in love with my boy that I can not believe I can love another like that and if I can I am not sure I want to, if that makes any sense.. But like you said I might need to become less selfish for his sake.

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1. sarah
  
  October 3, 2012 at 6:43 pm
  
  Gamze,
  
  You don’t “have to become” anything. Maybe the gift you will give your child is the gift of being an only child. There are benefits there as well as benefits in having siblings, and it’s your life and the choice of you/your husband. Siblings come with many blessings, being an only child comes with many blessings.
  
  You will definitely love your second child as much as you love your first. I find that my children make it easier to love each of the children and in different ways. I see how similar they are, how different they are, and I love each one more because not only are they themselves, but they’re also in a new role as a brother or a sister, and I get to see how they interact with each other and that gives me a whole new dimension to love in each of them.
  
  There is a loss in moving from one child to a second. There is a huge change. If you handle it right it’s a good change and the “loss” is dwarfed by the gain. But it’s not something that you HAVE to do or HAVE to avoid. You can make a beautiful joyous family either way. 🙂
  
  -Sarah
  
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  1. Gamze
    
    October 5, 2012 at 3:08 am
    
    Luckily he already has an older sibling, my 12 year old stepdaughter from DHs previous marriage. She will be a wonderful person in his life but I always thought we would give him a sibling close to his age, now I can only say we’ll see. Thank you for the perspective, really helps..
    
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Bronwyn

October 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I thought I’d wait a bit and then remind you that you are (still, and always will be) doing a wonderful job. It’s impossibly hard at times, but you’ll make it through.

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1. sarah
  
  October 6, 2012 at 11:23 am
  
  hug thank you! Things are mellowing out a bit and I think they will be easing off soon. Thank goodness. 🙂
  
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Michelle

October 11, 2012 at 8:29 am

Thank You. THIS is what motherhood should be about, not mommy wars about who can do what better than the other. But true encouragement.

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1. sarah
  
  October 11, 2012 at 9:13 am
  
  We all do things wonderfully sometimes, and struggle others. 🙂
  
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Kate

October 29, 2012 at 4:59 am

Thanks for this – we are at 6mo with our second child and it is HARD work! Teething, a growth spurt, tummy troubles due to weaning…the whole ppackage. And it co-incides with 2 other things – 1) not having had a night out in half a year and 2) mat leave being more than half over, so you have to start Thinking the Unthinkable (I.e. Going back to work). You are doing SO well! We are alll bloody amazing!

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1. sarah
  
  October 29, 2012 at 11:22 am
  
  Is hard work! Kudos you you for being at the 6mo point! It is an achievement. Keep it up. I’m at 6 1/2. Months now and it is easier een though lil miss is teething now.
  
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Emily

October 29, 2012 at 5:35 am

Just wanted to say thanks for this, this is exactly where I am and you pretty much describe my 6 month old daughter. There’s much less pom pom waving at this point so its so comforting to know that others are in the same boat when at a very low ebb x

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1. sarah
  
  October 29, 2012 at 11:19 am
  
  It gets better. Keep on going! 🙂 We are at 6 1/2 now and it is worlds better even though the sleep is still spotty due to milestone achievement and teething. We are sidecarring our crib today to get her more used to it. 🙂
  
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Suzy

April 27, 2013 at 10:14 am

Ow Sarah…. Thank you for your words.. A lot of them could’ve been my own.. And reading this post makes me think about the time that I to was soooooo empty and sometimes sad. Sad and empty but so full of love. I’m so glad I made it through, behind that was where the real fun of breastfeeding started 🙂 With love, Suzy

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Jen

April 28, 2013 at 11:10 pm

Although I am a little late to the party in terms of cheering you on, I feel like this post is an answered prayer. I just finished writing an email (using one thumb) in the dark to a new friend whom I’ve never met in person but who shares the same struggles that I’m facing with a high needs baby, to say how sorry I feel for myself that my son has not yet slept for even an hour without me holding, nursing, or laying with him. How I just am hoping against all odds for him to sleep for 3 hours so I can sneak away from his side to put my two year old to bed, then take a break. My heart hurts deeply that I have not tucked my gorgeous big boy into bed in 6 months.

So thank you for these honest words – they have encouraged me. I hope one day Sarah that I can return to you what you have given me with your words. Thank you a million times.

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