Words Spoken in Anger

Dear Isaac,

It is my hope that as you grow you will always remember three words that I have started to speak to you in anger.

“I love you.”

These three words have become the first three that I try to say when I am angry with you. They are true, even when you have done something that upsets me very deeply. And they are a reminder to me to make what I say come from love and not from all of the other places of frustration or annoyance or upset.

I breathe deep and think the words, then I say them and feel that love rush through my body with as much strength as it does when you have done something that makes me proud.

These words help me step back from the situation that my mind has zoomed in on in painful detail. They let me see how completely tiny the spilled toys, the broken figurine, the sibling spat, the not listening, or the jumping on the couch.. How really tiny those things are in comparison of the overwhelming fact that I love you in a deep and fierce way that bubbles down into the core of my being.

This morning was a difficult one for all of us as we returned to being me, you, Alexander, Anne-Marie, and Grandma from the weekend of Me, Alex, Alexander, Anne-Marie, Grandma and Grandpa with you off for the weekend at visitation. Every one of you wanted something other than what was. None of you felt much like sharing. I struggle too, as we move from our weekend form into the Mondays, especially after last week’s blackout which left me rather burned out.

I wanted to say “STOP. STOP! What is wrong with both of you? Why aren’t you sharing like you usually do? STOP!”

Instead I hugged each of you, and turned to you, Isaac.

I looked at your beautiful Atlantic-Ocean blue eyes and at the Batman buzz-cut you asked us for. I looked at you like the human being that you are, and I was able to see the defensiveness, the upset, the need to cling to the toy that you would probably otherwise not even want to play with. Instead of annoyance with your inability to share, I was overwhelmed with empathy for what it was that you must be feeling that made you need to hold on so tight.

“Do you know how much I love you? I’m so very proud of how hard you try and how imaginative you are, and how strong your heart is. I love you always, no matter what. Isaac, I’m upset with you right now. Do you understand why I am upset? I’m upset because you’re not sharing the toys with your brother the way you usually do. I love Alexander, too. And I love Anne-Marie. and I love you. And when one of you is sad because the other one isn’t sharing, I get upset. I know how much you love your brother and I know how good you are at sharing, and so when you feel like you can’t share I wonder what it is that’s bothering you. If you feel like you can’t take turns with this toy right now I understand, but maybe we can find a different toy that your brother can play with until you’re ready?” Then I hugged your brother too and told him that I loved him lots and I helped him look for something else to play with.

A little while later Alexander was upset from a typical two-tantrum over something not working exactly how he wanted it to, and you came over and said “Alexander can have my turn now. I know he’s upset, and if he needs my turn to feel better he can have it.”

I am so very proud of you, Isaac, You are a dear sweet soul, and when we remember this about you and give you that space that you need, you remember it too. ♥

I want you to remember that even when I am upset with you, that I love you. I know that that is when you need to hear it the most, and I want to make sure that those words are always there and full of the deepness of their meaning.

I love you. Even when I am angry.

I love you permanently.

I love you.
❤ Mama

Published by

Categories: Letters to My Sons

16 responses to “Words Spoken in Anger”

Beth

November 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I need to start doing this.

LikeLike

Reply
Nancy

November 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Oh I have so much to learn, and so much to teach my 5 and 7 year old boys. They had a blow out with each other today which involved hitting. It upset me so much. I had to separate them and send the 7year old out of the room to cool down. I did eventually tell them that I loved them both and it made me sad to see them hurt one another, but sadly only after I’d raised my voice and told them off. I don’t feel good about it at all. I’m going to read this post over a few times and hope that it sinks in!

LikeLike

Reply
1. sarah
  
  November 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm
  
  We cannot be gentle with our children without also being gentle with ourselves and our partners. Tell yourself that you understand your reaction, feel sorry for the way you reacted, make amends and try to be more gentle next time.
  
  No one is ever perfect. We cannot expect our children to be, and we cannot expect ourselves to be.
  
  It feels soooo much better and happier when we handle things the way we want to in our hearts, though. And when we do, and we get that rush of feeling good, we do it more and more often and it builds a habit of responding better. Just as the way we respond to our children helps them build better habits.
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. Nancy
    
    November 6, 2012 at 3:02 am
    
    Thank you. Yes, I will do better next time. I’m hoping that if I can be more gentle in my approach it will rub off on their dad too, i’ve tried asking him not to raise his voice but it’s just so ingrained. I hear him sounding just like his own father sometimes – who he resented and didn’t have a good bond with. So the change has to come from me. You inspire me to do better, thanks so much for your posts x
    
    LikeLike
  2. sarah
    
    November 6, 2012 at 11:01 am
    
    We can’t create new responses out of thin air, and simply saying “I will be different from my parents” doesn’t work because we need to replace the dysfunctional things that we learned from them with functional responses. If your husband is able to see how you deal with things in a more gentle way, he may learn from your example.
    
    Is he on board with trying to do things differently? It will be easier if he is.
    
    I feel for him. He did not have a good bond with his father, yet he wants to have one with his kids. He is probably very frustrated because when he is upset he has no other way to cope than what he learned from his father as a child. It’s not enough to simply wave a magic wand and say “abra cadabra, I shall be better”. One has to learn new coping mechanisms and new ways of responding and let go of all of the stuff that has been stuffed deep into their heads about why kids do the things that kids do. Then they have to put those new things into practice when they are in the middle of an emotionally intense confrontation.
    
    LikeLike
  3. Nancy
    
    November 9, 2012 at 4:49 pm
    
    Hmm, is he on board? Well I don’t think I’ve asked him directly. I have explained certain ideas, shown him occasional pieces on line, but generally I’m trying to lea the way and hope that he follows. He also has a strong dislike of being corrected, criticised etc. so I try and tread lightly, often the easiest way is to talk about how I want to improve my parenting, and let him feel for himself if he wants to join me. It’s a subtle approach but I hope it will work. The hardest aspect is that he’s often extremely tired, physically and mentally, so patience is thin on the ground. You’re right, he doesn’t want to be the same as his dad. I told him recently, I want our kids feel the way I feel about my mum, and have the kind of relationship with you that you had with your mum, not like you had with your dad. He agreed whole heartidly. So in that sen he’s on board.
    
    LikeLike
Katie

November 5, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I love this. I try very hard to understand the why & the feelings behind the behavior instead of getting angry with my son. But I don’t always know what to do to correct the behavior. How does this type of situation translate to an 18-month old who is testing his abilities and our tolerance? He has been hitting lately, playfully, but hard. He doesn’t realize it hurts…when he hits the dogs, I say “oh but the doggies love when you are nice and gentle, can you pet them nice and gentle like you know how? Oh they love that!”. Seems to work, temporarily at least. Tonight though he took his new boots that he loves and was just hitting things with them, then hit daddy in the head, pretty hard, and laughed. Daddy pretended to be hurt & we did not laugh with him. I resorted to the “no hitting, it hurts when uou hit, be nice to daddy, keep your boots on the ground” but it ended in me taking the boots away & a short little tantrum that passed quickly as we sat down to eat dinner (he was a little cranky & hungry just getting home from daycare). But these types of things are happening more often, and he sometimes does things he knows are wrong & then waits for our reaction. How do we gently teach an 18-month old when he has done something wrong without always saying “no” or being stern?

LikeLike

Reply
1. sarah
  
  November 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm
  
  Redirection. Encouraging positive behaviors instead, distraction, etc.
  
  From about 18 months to about 2.5-3 years old it’s age appropriate behavior. They test the boundaries and reactions to see what happens. All you need to do is be consistent and talk about empathy.
  
  My 2 year old is currently knee deep in this stage. With my first I stressed out over it, now I know it’s completely age appropriate and the key is to just react consistently and to try and notice when and why they hit so that you can try to avoid the situation.
  
  As their language skills improve they tend to stop hitting as much and are more open to your talking to them about it.
  
  To build empathy talk to them in the same words that you use when they get hurt. “Ouch! Ouch! That hurt, now I’m sad and scared because I didn’t expect to get hit. Poor mommy. Then sort of segue into the distraction. Can you show me gentle hands? What about tickle hands? Spider hands? Clapping hands! YAY hands!”
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
  1. Katie
    
    November 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm
    
    He is my first (also have a 2-month old 🙂 ), so I do often question whether his behavior is normal and whether i am handling it appropriately..This is all new territory for us! So I guess we have another year of it with my son, and then will be entering it with my daughter as he outgrows it. By then I’ll have it all figured out 🙂
    
    Your posts really inspire me to be a better parent, and help me understand how we can be gentle yet effective. Thanks so much for the advice. I will certainly try that approach (and make sure my husband does the same 🙂 )
    
    It’s amazing how children help us experience empathy in a way we have never experienced before. And it’s our job to teach it to them!
    
    LikeLike
  2. sarah
    
    November 5, 2012 at 11:49 pm
    
    My children are as much my teachers as I am theirs. It has made me fully understand the meaning of “to learn better, try to teach someone else.” 🙂
    
    LikeLike
Sasha

November 6, 2012 at 1:36 am

tearing up as i read this. my son is a month old on wednesday. i want to remember to say this to him, and to his father when i am angry, now and forever

LikeLike

Reply
1. sarah
  
  November 6, 2012 at 11:05 am
  
  I have started doing this with my partner as well, just because it’s good practice and it helps me convey what it is that I’m feeling in a better way. “I love you, and I know you’re not intentionally doing this to make me upset. But it is a problem for me.”
  
  LikeLike
  
  Reply
Jenna

November 8, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Wow. I love this idea. Tremendously helpful. Thank you.

LikeLike

Reply
TV

November 21, 2012 at 1:44 am

This brought tears to my eyes. I am so excited to have kids some day. May I be as loving to my own as you are with yours.

LikeLike

Reply
Tina

November 26, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Thank-you so much Sarah! I really needed to read this today. I had a particularly tough afternoon with my 6 year old and 3 year old sons. We are in the midst of packing to move, so nap-time didn’t happen for my 3 year old or 1 year old, so my patience was thin. I found myself snapping at my sons, and they were crying. It was a really bad afternoon. I want to do this, say “I love you” before I react in anger to their behavior. You are a great example to me.

LikeLike

Reply
Kornika

September 25, 2013 at 3:28 am

I’m pretty sure I love you. I wish I had “met” you sooner.

That is all.

LikeLike

Reply