I am not happy in this moment. My foot aches from a broken toe, I am tired, I am touched out, I want to bury my nose in a book in a hot bath that I can just refill with more hot water every time it grows cold.

Instead I lay here nursing you because you both want to sleep and you resist it because you are excited about your gramma and grampa being back and you can hear your brothers playing in the other room.

When I become aware of how my mind is in all those other places that I want to be and all those other things that I want to do, I can feel the tension running through my body.

In those moments, rather than holding onto the wishes for the things that I want to be doing..

I look at you. I touch your perfect little ear and remember how squishy it was when you were a newborn. I run my finger over your face and feel the strong little muscles working to nurse. I breathe deep and let it out and feel my body relax against yours. I lay my head down and nuzzle your forehead and sniff the sweaty smell of your hair and kiss you.

And you stop resisting, your nursing slows and you fall asleep.

I cannot even begin to remember how many times your resistance has faded rapidly as soon as mine has.

I cannot even begin to count the times that you have simply needed for me to relax into the moment before you could.