Dear Isaac,

When you were five you went on a field trip with your summer camp, and you played some games in an arcade and won tickets that you could trade for prizes. You traded your tickets for a ring for me, rather than a toy for yourself.

Made of a thin metal about the thickness of the wall of a soda can, pink with silver stripes, and a half size too big to stay on my ring finger. It is one of the most important presents that I have ever been given.

It sits on my left ring finger, just below another ring. This other ring was given to me by the partner of my choice. It fits perfectly as we tried a few rings until we found one that fit me well. It is substantial and made of tungsten alloy which is one of the hardest alloys that exists. This ring of mine signifies a commitment and a promise.

Before your gift of this second ring, I would sometimes take off the first and put it in a drawer when I was feeling upset or emotionally distant. It felt empowering somehow to feel as though I could set this promise aside if I wanted to. As easily as I could set aside a ring. It was not something that I have ever set aside, but saying “I COULD IF I WANTED TO!” felt like I could hold onto the power of walking away someday if I really wanted to. It let me throw a tiny symbolic temper tantrum that felt powerful. It soothed the emotional overwhelm that sometimes came from the understanding that I am going to spend the rest of my life with this person. It’s hard to not think “I could walk away from this!” in a culture where people walk away for silly things all the time. It’s hard to not think it when I have been walked away from by others when I was not something from the movies. I have never said it, as I believe that it should never be said unless it will be done (I know what happens when someone says it. The other person believes it. And you can’t recover from that.) But I held onto the idea that I could think it sometimes.

Now I see that if I set aside this ring, that the other ring will fall off of my hand and be lost or broken. And I cannot set aside your ring along with the other without your noticing its absence. You see it every day on my hand and you touch it and smile and say “pink is your favoritest color ever, isn’t it mommy?” (It wasn’t before, but it is now.)

Now I understand that when I’m deeply frustrated or hurt or when I feel ignored, I don’t need to say to myself “I can set this aside”. I need to say to myself “We need to talk about this. We need to work on this.”

Your ring reminds me that my commitment cannot be put aside without hurting many other things that are important to me. It reminds me that it is a symbol not of a short-term thing, but of a family. It reminds me to put aside any sadness or hurt feelings or stresses that I have, and to snuggle down and talk openly.

Your ring has taught me the weight of this commitment in a way that nothing else ever could have. We live in a culture where divorce is so common, and where two people walk away from each other in hissy fits when people fail to match reality to what they see in movies. I have always understood that I did not want that type of relationship. But whereas before I held on to that idea as much out of stubbornness as out of love.. Your ring has let me see that I hold onto it because it has a deep importance not just to me, but to you, to your brother, and to your sister.

Before this ring I already knew, but with your gift I understand in a soul-deep way that the way others treat this type of commitment is not the way to treat a family. Before this ring I already knew, but now I trust. Before this ring I already knew, but now I put in the work needed to be sure. Because of this ring I have grown closer to the man I will spend the rest of my life with. With this ring, you have pushed the last small strands of doubt from my mind, and he and I have grown closer since. (He already knew this. I’m the one that learns so slowly.)

Thank you, dear boy. Your gift has given me such a tremendous understanding of how this “marriage” thing should really be. It’s not about a magic wedding moment or a perfect proposal. It’s not about something from the movies. I already knew all of those things, but lacked an understanding of how to DO what I knew.

The value of my love for you increases the value of my promise, as it protects you and teaches you what love and permanence look like.

Thank you for showing me this.

❤ Mama