I was asked how I address discipline in a toddler/two year old.

I mostly address it with a change in expectations. As in my own expectations. A toddler is more similar to an infant than they are to an older child or an adult. Their physical abilities have grown much faster than their logical skills, even if they’re almost fully verbal and understand quite a bit. They don’t have much in the way of self control but they have an abundance of curiosity and they WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING. If they were less driven to learn things they’d never learn how to talk or how to walk. Why would they? It would be too frustrating and too painful. As my oldest has taught me with complaints about “it’s tooooo harrrrdddd! I’m toooooo tireeeeddd! Dooo it forrrrr meeeee!”, there’s a LOT of value in that intensely curious driven stage of toddlerhood.

Saying “no” is about as effective as speaking to your English-speaking child in Japanese or some other random foreign language that they don’t understand.

I try to reserve “no” for dangerous activities when the tone of voice is panic rather than annoyance or calm.

“No” to approaching the stove alone. “No” to approaching the street alone. “No” to approaching an unknown dog alone. “No” to approaching railroad tracks.

The thing about toddlers is that humans in general came to exist in a world very different from today. There was no such thing as “please honey don’t break that because it cost a lot of money”. They could explore their environment under supervision and things were generally either okay or Very Dangerous. There were no dangerous objects with an off switch that were sometimes dangerous and sometimes not. A sleeping tiger would be just as dangerous for them to approach. A cliff is always deadly to walk off of. Toddlers are meant to explore intensely unless their parent panics. This is how a toddler learns that something is dangerous.

When we respond to a toddler approaching a stove that is off with a “no! danger!” that is said in a neutral or bossy tone of voice, the toddler is not able to understand that  the stove can sometimes be dangerous. If the first time the toddler approaches the stove there is a pot of boiling water that the child is reaching for, the lesson learned will be VERY different because the tone of voice that we use will be different. It will contain genuine panic. We will run towards our child and snatch them up in our arms and rescue them from the danger that they are approaching.

This is how toddlers learn about danger. Through our reacting to it as a dangerous object or place.

I teach my children that the stove is not a dangerous object to approach WITH AN ADULT by holding them carefully and explaining that something is “hot” and “ouch”. They learn that when mommy or Grandma or Grandpa is holding them it’s not dangerous as long as they don’t touch. When no one is holding them and they walk towards it alone, they learn that is VERY dangerous whether the stove is on or not. They learn this because mommy gets scared. Just as kids learn from their parents to be afraid or not afraid of insects.

As for non-dangerous and non-desirable behaviors such as “wasting” things, “ruining” things, etc. I mostly try to figure out what it is that the child is interested in, and how the child can do something similar or equally engaging/interesting.

I bought a big rubber mallet for my oldest so that he could smash ice cubes outside. A colander with shoelaces or pipe cleaners (twist the ends down so they’re not sharp) fascinated my middle child. I taught my kids how to “bump bump down the stairs” on their bums so that they could climb down the stairs safely, and how to “run up like a kitty” on all fours so that they could go up the stairs more safely since there will not always be baby gates wherever they go. Cheap white rice can be played with outside. Liquids can be experimented with in the bathtub. Vitamins and medicines I’ll open up so that they can see/smell and then I’ll make a wrinkly face and say “eww. Yucky. Foo.” the way I do when they taste the soap in the bathtub and don’t like the taste. I encourage them to “ask first” if they want candy or juice, and I try to not keep those items in the house unless I am willing to let them eat them or “taste” them when they ask.

Understanding that kids will be in a new environment and needing to explore when they go over a friend’s house helps me set up appropriate expectations. At home they’re in their comfort zone and know what things are “dangerous” or “boring”. They’ve explored the contraband safely with me. Suddenly they’re in a new environment with rooms to run through, colorful things to touch, objects to spill out and look at. I try to figure out if there is a child-safe room that they can be in, and I try to identify the things that can easily be ruined. If possible I try to bring something new for them into the new environment. If I just bring a bag of toys that they already know well they’re not even going to notice those toys. Instead I try to pull toys out from the box of toys that I cycled out a month or two ago, or I’ll bring something that they’re not usually allowed to play with. I’ll try to keep the time manageable rather than expecting a nice leisurely four hour visit. When I find myself wanting/needing to step in too often it’s time to get going and bring my child back to their comfort zone.