Friday I sat on the floor of an empty waiting room with my one year old daughter and my soon to be three year old son with a ball, a box of Legos, and a migraine that was rapidly taking over my entire body. My six year old son was in the next room which was full of toys, a fact that Mr. Three was very much aware of. Toys which Mr. Three very much wanted to play with along with his brother. This was not an option.

I fell into the pattern of play that I knew would keep Mr. Three entertained. Of skittering around the room hiding behind the chairs and the stroller and the shelves. Of talking about the Good Knight and the Bad Knight and the King and the Dragons. Of building with Legos and making robots and cars and spacecrafts. I chattered away as the nausea crept through my body and I randomly checked my cell phone to see what time it was. To see if it was almost time to go yet. To see that “time to go” had passed and I still had to wait even longer without any idea of when I could actually go.

And then it was time to go. I buckled the baby in and said goodbye to my oldest who would not be with us that weekend, and I let Mr. Three push the elevator buttons, making “duh duh duh” emergency sounds when he went to press that big red switch that should not be pressed, and explaining to him “press the one not the two” and we left with him giggling happily over walking next to the stroller like his brother usually does. I did not scoop him into the stroller to walk home faster. I took it slow and easy with my head pounding and my stomach churning from migraine nausea.

You should enjoy every moment that your children are small. But you won’t. Some days you’ll be gritting your teeth and struggling along until bedtime. Some days you’ll be sick with the flu and laying on the floor of the bathroom watching them take a bath with one eye open and waiting to throw up again. Some days you’ll be bone tired. Some days you’ll be stressed out and juggling too much. Some days you’ll question your decision to have ever had children at all. And some days after they’re all in bed you’ll collapse into a pile in your own bed and start to breathe, just to have that first breath of relief interrupted by a baby who just woke up again and who Will Not Sleep. Some days you’ll feel horrible and you’ll fall back on patterns that you’ve established on other days just because they’re effective, not because you feel like being that playful engaging parent.

I talk a lot about finding joy in gentle parenting. About savoring moments because they pass so quickly. And they do. But the moments that you find to savor are not always “now”, not always this very moment, not always every moment. I talk a lot about the “finding” joy. If the joy is plastered on every surface and not at all hidden ever, then it wouldn’t be something in need of finding. And joy is a lot more like food and less like winning the lottery. You need to find it across the day each day and you need to scarf it down and enjoy it when it’s there because between that there are times that are less than joyful. Times that are hard. Times that pass so very slowly. Times of too many voices of too many people all overlapping and making incompatible demands.

Your children won’t enjoy every moment of their lives either. Anger, unhappiness, sadness, frustration and boredom are human emotions that will creep into each of our lives. And its okay. None of us live a perfect life, even those who we imagine as living some perfect existence.

This is real life and not a movie. There is not going to be some magical moment where everything becomes easy peasy pudding and pie and everyone lives happily ever after. Joy isn’t a thing that you find once and then it’s yours. And it’s not something that you have to find to make someone else happy or to be the perfect person.

It’s like food. Some joy is like chocolate cake, some joy is like brussel sprouts. Some of us don’t like chocolate cake or brussel sprouts so we don’t take joy in the same things that others find their joy in. Not because we’re broken but because our happiness seeps through in other ways.

Is there anything about this moment that I should enjoy?
Is there anything about this moment that I can enjoy?
Is there anything about this moment that can be changed to be more joyful?

No?

Soldier on. This is a moment to be passed through, not a moment of joy. While one parent might be able to find something joyful about being puked on, it’s okay if you don’t. And while a moment may make your child joyful it may not make you joyful. Or the other way around.

Try to see what gives your child joy. And help them find more of it. And try to see what gives you joy and try to help yourself find more of it.

Not because you should feel joy every single moment..

But because the joyful moments sustain you through all the rest of the stuff that makes up life. The repetitive, the dull, the bland, the painful, the sad, the annoying, the frustrating and the loud.

I don’t find joy in every moment. Instead I try to feel joyful on a regular basis sort of like regular meals and snacks.  And yeah, I have started to be able to find joy in joyless moments. Not 100% of the time. But enough of the time to not be afraid of trying.

I did not enjoy Friday, but my children found enough joy that day when I fell into joyous routines despite my migraine. And while I was not quite able to find that chocolate cake joy that I crave I did manage to find something joy-like nonetheless. Not because someone told me I should enjoy every moment, but because I’ve come to understand that I won’t. And that’s okay.