On the fifteenth of May each year I celebrate the anniversary of my freedom.

I was in an abusive relationship.

It was not my choice to leave. I was not that strong. But once I was told to go I was strong enough to stay away. I was strong enough to recognize what had happened. I was strong enough to let go of the things that I was told and to find myself again.

To find myself again. I own myself again. I am no one’s property. It used to feel strange to say that to myself. Now so many years later it feels strange that I ever lost myself, that I ever mistook myself for something of his rather than for something of my own. 

Each year I like to talk a little bit about abuse and abusive relationships.

It is not as simple as it is made out to be.

An abusive relationship does not start out with a “nice to meet you” followed by a quick punch to the face. If it did then very few people would end up in an abusive relationship. It would be obvious. Instead things happen slowly. They step back when they’ve gone too far. Then they rush forwards again past the limit that was previously set. And you are told that you accepted that thing that you objected to. And if you insist that you always objected to it, then you are made to feel as though you are insane and being difficult. By the time there is physical violence you doubt yourself so much that you trust him when he says that you deserved it. It’s not that you like being hurt. It’s not that you’re a masochist. It’s that you believe him when he lies. It’s that you believe him when he tells you that other people will believe him when he lies. YOU do. Why wouldn’t everyone else?

Abusers are charming. Again- abusive relationships don’t start off with a quick punch to the face. They feel special. The good is so very good. So intensely good. There’s so much good that it feels that the bad stuff can be worked past. It feels that you can earn the things that have been taken away from you. That you can hold onto the good as long as you can resolve the bad. So you take responsibility for all of the bad, because you are told that is how it can be fixed. Then in trying to fix all of it, you make it worse. 

Abusers don’t WANT to fix the relationship. No matter how much they tell you that things would be perfect if only you could change. They don’t want to fix it. Whatever you fix will still be all wrong. If they tell you that they want you to do something they will later blame you for doing that exact thing. You cannot fix it. You will not fix it. It is broken. And it will stay broken.

Abusers make it so that you feel like you can’t live without their direction. The rest of the world will hate you. You need your abuser to understand how to act. He loves you more than anyone else ever could. If he cannot accept you then what hope do you have that anyone else would be able to tolerate you? It feels like this is as good as it gets. There’s the good stuff that makes it all “worthwhile”. Good stuff you could never get anywhere else.

Abusers tell you that if you leave they will keep your things. They are entitled to your things. Everything that you have earned is theirs because they put up with you. Because you destroyed their life. You cannot have anything but what they do not want. If you leave you will leave with nothing.

It’s a fiction. You already own nothing. Anything that you cannot leave with freely is NOT YOURS. It belongs to your abuser. Not to you. You own nothing in an abusive relationship. You do not own your things. You do not own your house. You do not own your children. You do not own your clothes. And you do not own yourself.

If you leave then you own yourself. And that is a beautiful starting point.

I did not make the choice to leave. That was a choice that was made for me. I wish that I had been that strong. In the end I was not strong enough to leave, just strong enough to stay away.

Strong enough to refuse to give myself up again.

I own myself. I own very little else from that period of time.

But I own myself. I am free.

And it is lovely.

Are you in an abusive relationship?
Does your partner control your finances?
Does your partner refuse to put you on the lease for where you live?
If you take a break does your partner insist that you leave even if the break was his idea?
Does your partner control your friendships or make you feel uncomfortable about maintaining them?
Does your partner control your religion?
Does your partner try to change how you dress?
Has your partner ever broken something that you owned and then blamed you?
Are you to “blame” for every fight or disagreement?

Abuse is not always physical. Abuse does not always leave bruises or marks or broken bones. Abuse is about control.

Abuse is never okay.