Dear Miss Squidget,

A reader of Nurshable recently reminded me of another bit of maternal wisdom that I wish to pass on to you.

Getting babies to sleep is like playing the children’s game of “Hot or Cold” with an object that likes to spontaneously teleport into another dimension before returning in a completely different location. It’s a moving target but you get all these clues from your baby’s behavior.

Baby screaming? You’re getting colder. Baby screaming more? You’re freezing cold. Baby calms to fussing? You’re getting warmer! Baby asleep? Congratulations, you’ve made it to another bedtime in the series.

If you choose to have children one day you’re going to spend a LOT of time trying new things. Everyone has different advice and there are countless variations of different things that you can try. It’s okay to try new things. It’s how you find delicious randoms that help your little one soothe to sleep without any tears at all. It’s okay to try new things. Just keep in mind that your baby is giving you clues about if those new things work or not. And it’s okay to decide that the new thing that you wanted to try is an abysmal failure and that it should be put back on the shelf to be tried again when baby’s older or possibly never again because it clearly does not work for your child.

There’s a lot of pressure on parents to “stubborn it out”. There are “extinction methods” where you simply let the baby scream its head off until it learns to stop because screaming simply doesn’t work. I view that a little bit like abandoning the game and just going to the store to buy an object that looks like the one that you’re looking for while the original object stays hidden.

You don’t need to stubborn it out. You don’t need to force a method to work. You are not failing when a method doesn’t work. The method is failing. It’s a bad fit for your child. Try something else.

None of the three children I’ve had have ever liked being rocked in the cradle position. You’ve all liked to be upright tummy to tummy with your little legs froggied up under you.  Rocking you “like a baby” would result in your screaming it out in my arms because you were uncomfortable.

None of the three children that I’ve had have ever liked the same sound. Your oldest brother liked silence. (Something extremely hard to come by in our old New York City apartment.) Then Mr. Middle liked a gentle shushing sound. You, my dear, like a harsh staticky white noise that is as loud as I can make it.

None of you have liked the same movement. Mr. Eldest preferred to lay still side by side as he nursed. Mr. Middle preferred a light bouncing dance. And you, dear, prefer if we practically jump up and down while we bounce you to sleep.

Mr. Eldest preferred sleeping naked in a diaper. He still prefers this even on the coldest days of winter, and so he sleeps in a sleeping bag so that he cannot kick his blankets off. Mr. Middle preferred 100% cotton footed pajamas. He still wants to sleep in long sleeved long legged pajamas with socks on half of the time. And you.. You like nightgowns that leave your legs bare. Or long sleeved onesies. And you briefly liked falling asleep in a towel until it got warmer and then you found it to be far too warm.

If we picked a single thing and stuck to it, we’d never find what each of you needed. If we didn’t follow the clues in that game of hot or cold we’d continue to struggle with the things that “should” soothe you but that obviously did not. If we did not try new things, if we did not leave them behind when they failed to help.. We’d be stuck in a holding pattern and going nowhere.

I don’t need to pick a method and force you to accept it. I need to help you explore new things so that you can find the things that soothe you and that help you be comfortable until you can internalize that feeling of comfort and the drowsy lovely feeling of falling asleep wherever you are.

You’re not a method. You’re not “every baby”. You’re a you. You don’t come with a manual or a book. You come with clues and communication.

When we listen to each other things go so much better than when I try to force you to accept something that “should” work like magic. If it’s not working then clearly it’s not the magic it was supposed to be.

I’ll look for the magic that fits you instead.

❤ Mama