Another frequently asked question from the support groups: “Since some babies sleep through the night at six months shouldn’t we be able to teach the others?” (Using CIO, a no-cry sleep training method, etc.)

That’s actually very logical. Which is why sleep training books sell like hotcakes and claim that if your baby isn’t sleeping then you’re DOING IT WRONG and should try this method which is different from that method and better than any other method ever. (except for when it doesn’t work.)

Sleep is a milestone. It’s like walking.

Let’s talk about walking. Some babies walk at six months. My babies walk around 12 months. Before walking comes a LOT of pre-walking activity such as gaining head control, rolling, scooting, sitting, crawling, pulling up, letting go, standing, bending to pick objects, etc. All the stuff that builds muscle strength and balance.

Now let’s go back to sleep. Independent sleep is a milestone just like independent walking. Before independent sleep come a lot of other things. The concept of object permanence. The ability to move into a comfortable position. the loss of the startle reflex, etc. See? Pre-sleep activity.

Some babies will sleep through the night independently at six months. Some babies will walk independently at six months.

Say you have a baby that has mastered the pre-walking abilities and is at the standing phase. And you stand them up and let go of them. Now say you have a baby that has just figured out rolling and you stand them up and let go of them. Very different outcomes.

Sleep is unusual in that while SLEEP itself is a need and a need that will be met independently or not, independent sleep is a milestone and your baby has to meet the pre-milestones before they can meet the milestone.

If you let a baby CIO or try to sleep train a baby that is at the equivilent to the “standing” phase of walking? They might very well learn to sleep a little bit faster. But chances are they were on that path anyway and they might experience more disturbances over things like teeth, etc. because their milestone was rushed.

If you let a baby CIO or sleep train a baby that isn’t even at equivalent of the “rolling” stage? They don’t learn to sleep. They learn not to signal. Babies are instinctively programmed to stop crying after a certain point because their caregiver is not coming and babies that don’t stop crying will get eaten by tigers. So they stop signalling. Or worse, they don’t stop signalling at which point the recommendation is “Exctinction” training where you just leave the baby to scream for as long as the baby will scream until the baby figures out the sleep thing. This can create months of stressful all night screaming from a baby who cannot do what the parent wants him to do and what sleep training books insist that he is able to do.

Back to walking.. It’s like taking a pre-crawler and trying to train them to walk by repeatedly standing them up and letting go. The baby’s crying is coming from the fact that they are not developmentally ready to fall asleep independently.

WIO, for me, is not “sit back and do nothing”. It is approaching things in a way that says my child’s independent sleep is my personal goal and my baby offers feedback about what pre-sleep milestones they have achieved and when they pass through all of them they sleep independently in their own beds in their own rooms after we kiss them goodnight and shut off the lights and leave the room. Not because we pushed them to that point but because they’re comfortable with it.