Backtalk.. I’ve seen people compare it to “abuse” and suggest harsh punishments.

Do children really have the power to “be abusive” to someone who essentially controls every aspect of their lives?

I see it as a sign that my child is feeling powerless, frustrated, and needs more tools to express their feelings.

“I hate you!” Makes me stop. I sit down on the floor so I’m below my child’s eye level. My six year old shifts uncomfortably when I do this, as his angry defensiveness melts away and he’s just a kid again, not someone trying to puff himself up big to be bigger than the adult who towers over him.

“You’re really upset right now?” I ask. “I think what you might be trying to say is that you don’t feel I’m listening to you right now. Could you use those words instead? ‘I don’t feel like you’re listening.’ Thank you. You don’t have to hurt someone to get them to listen. When you say you hate me.. That hurts. It makes me sad.”

His eyes lose their anger and often he says he’s sorry. Not with a forced angry tone, but with the regret of words he can’t take back.

“I am listening. I heard what you said and I told you that we can’t do that right now. Listening doesn’t always mean we can change things. Right now this isn’t going to change. And I need your help to get us through it quick. Can you help me, please?”

Later, when his defensiveness is down we talk about words like “hate”. I show him a piece of paper, flat and unmarked. I ask him to tell the paper “I hate you” and to crumple it up into a ball. He does. Then I tell him to apologize to the paper. Uncrumple it. Can you make it flat again?

You can’t take words back all the way. They stay out there even after apologies. The words you chose earlier weren’t even accurate. They didn’t describe what you felt. They were words used to hurt. That’s not okay.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” A quivering lip.

“I know. It will happen again. Right now you’re still small and you’re learning to be big enough to stop those angry words. You know how your little sister hits me sometimes because she’s a baby still? Do you still hit me? Of course not. This is something that you are learning to control. Next time… Try to remember to use accurate words, not hurtful ones. When you can do that you’ll feel big like a mountain. Angry words just make us feel smaller.”

My children respect me because I’m bigger than they are. Not in the way where I can hurt them worse than they hurt me, but in the way where I can absorb them. They can run flailing into me full speed ahead with all their fury and anger and more often than not I simply catch them. Defuse them. Give them better words to use.

I don’t accept the angry words or the backtalk. I hand it back to them gently with the immediate expectation that they will accept the second chance to use the words they should have used first.

Backtalk? It happens very rarely. Usually when someone else has frustrated them to the point where they can no longer cope. When my six year old tries those strong angry words these days all I need to do is raise an eyebrow at him and he backs down, apologizes, and finds his better words.

I don’t have to loom over him to demand his respect. I’ve earned it. I’ve been bigger than him every time he’s been angry and frustrated, and I’ve helped him find the words he needs to express himself so that he can do what I’ve asked willingly and for the right reasons.

(Note: The child in the image is not being scolded. I asked him to please make a grouchy face for the camera.)