There are many reasons why I have a hard time taking it seriously when people say that a child who is parented in an attached way will be “clingy” or that a child that is parented gently will be a monster. (Note that testing and breaking rules, being clingy, etc. Can be normal too. My kids go through that.  All kids do.)

She is 28 months old. Not even two and a half.

She plays on the lawn and runs down the sidewalk on her own. If she starts to step on the grass between the sidewalk and the street I call out “Keenie, Keenie come on back” and she comes on back. We walk along the sidewalk together. I am not holding her hand. She minds the edges. Sometimes we will be hanging out somewhere and she’ll go running for the sidewalk and whoever I am with will bolt towards her in a panic. I don’t bolt, though. I use my words because she listens. She understands that if she loses trust by doing something dangerous that she won’t have as much freedom because it is my  job to keep her safe. She doesn’t fear that mommy will get angry if she runs towards the street, she understands that mommy will be scared if she goes too far, and that if mommy is scared by what she is doing, that mommy will have to hold her hand. She values her freedom.

She climbs the play structures in the park. Sometimes she gets stuck and calls out to me. I walk over and give her a leg up, and she plays on. She minds the edges and holds on. She understands that if she falls she will hurt. She is not afraid that I will yell if she goes to the wrong part of the playground. She is cautious with new things because she understands falling.

She eats cherries with the pit still in them. She bites around the pit and drops the pit and stem into a bowl. (Except for when she throws them on the floor. o_O) She bites her grapes in half. She plays with the regular Legos including the smallest pieces, even though she’s no where near three. She isn’t afraid that I will yell at her if she puts something in her mouth. She understands that if she puts certain things in her mouth or that if she puts whole cherries in her mouth that she loses the trust to play with the small parts and she loses the trust to eat cherries by herself. She values her autonomy.

She cups a newly hatched katydid in her hand. Tiny. A body the size of a grain of wild rice with long delicate legs and antenna that look about the size of a human hair. The woman helping children hold the baby chicks at the petting farm takes one look at her waiting in line and asks with great concern “She won’t squeeze them, will she?” We are gentle with small things. We value and respect life. We mind the legs and the necks and heads and all the small bits of creatures littler than us.

She sits at the table to eat, in a chair. And she feeds herself. She drinks from an open glass. Glass, not plastic. And she carries her glass over to the water dispenser to get more water when she needs it. She is not afraid of how I will react if she breaks a glass. She is careful because she does not want to break a glass because we cannot put it back together and it is hard to clean up and she doesn’t want to get a glass splinter because I have told her that glass splinters hurt worse than the wooden splinter that she has experienced. Glasses have been broken (more by me than my children). No one gets upset. She knows that if a glass breaks we all freeze and mommy moves anyone with bare feet safely out of the area.

She knows how to put on her clothes and her shoes, although she’s still working on getting them on facing the right way. She prefers to try and get herself dressed because she knows that trying is how we learn.

When she is done with her bath I ask her if she can please put the toys away. And she puts the toys in the baskets and on the shelves, and she pulls out the plug in the drain and puts that on the side of the tub, and when she is done she lifts her arms up to me for help getting out safely. When I ask her to please put something in the garbage she brings it over and puts it in the garbage. When I ask her where a toy belongs she puts it in its place. She isn’t afraid that I will yell at her if she doesn’t do these things. I just asked nicely, and I taught her where everything goes and she knows that if she needs help she can ask and I won’t second-guess her.

When she is playing and accidentally hurts me she stops, looks at me and says “Oops! Sorry mommy!” Not because I yelled but because I said “ouch”.

Gentle parenting isn’t about where your child is. It’s not about keeping your child tethered to you or promoting neediness to meet the parents need for closeness. It’s not about avoiding teaching your child about behavior and expectations. It’s not about permissiveness or laziness.

It’s just about being available. It’s about teaching. It’s about believing that respect is something that goes both ways.